10 Leadership Lessons from 10 Years of Parenting

How my daughter became my best leadership coach (and why the most surprising insights come from the most ordinary moments)

Parenting has been and continues to be the best leadership course I've done.

This summer we celebrated our daughter Saanvi's 10th birthday. Here are 10 leadership lessons Saanvi taught me in the past decade that completely changed how I approach engineering leadership and coaching!

1. Journey before Destination

Before Saanvi, I was a fast walker. I just didn't see the point of wasting time dawdling around when there were places to go and things to do!

Toddler Saanvi changed that perspective for me. Simple walks from her daycare to our car in the evenings became magical because we walked at toddler pace. Thanks to her, I noticed the crows that called the daycare roof their home. We saw the trees that changed color every season and the clouds that sometimes appeared in Elmo shape.

The leadership lesson: As an engineering leader, I was rushing my team toward annual goals and quarterly OKRs without celebrating the small wins along the way. I wasn't noticing the "crows on the roof" – the creative innovations we built together, the way junior developers were growing, or the moments when the team really clicked.

Now I build "journey appreciation" into my leadership practice. In our retrospectives, we spend time on what went well, not just what needs fixing. During 1:1s, I ask "What are you most proud of this week?" before diving into blockers.

For mid-career ICs: Take time to document your growth. Keep a "wins journal" – even small ones count. When you solve a tricky bug or help a colleague, write it down. These moments add up to a compelling narrative during performance reviews.

2. Keep Learning

Drinking from a sippy cup, falling asleep on her own, riding a bike, swimming, learning to read English and Hindi… the list is endless.

I've lost count of how many times I think "this is beyond her abilities" only to be very surprised when Saanvi learns that very skill and masters it! These moments have reinforced to me the importance of challenging oneself and immersing oneself in learning environments.

The leadership lesson: I was underestimating my team's capacity to grow into new challenges. I was protecting them from "stretch assignments" instead of creating safe-to-fail learning opportunities.

One of my senior engineers wanted to try people management. My first instinct was "they don't have enough experience." But remembering Saanvi's learning journey, I put them in charge of all the day-to-day responsibilities for 3 junior engineers as a tech lead.

Six months later, that pod not only delivered on their project successfully, they also ranked the happiest pod in my team. This paved the path for a formal people manager role for this engineer as well.

The reframe: Instead of "Are they ready for this?" ask "How can I help them become ready?"

3. Lead by Example

When Saanvi got her first couple of teeth, we got the mandate to start brushing from her pediatrician. We tried to pin her down and brush her teeth at first – this ended in many tears, both from her and us.

We tried songs, screen time, books and so many other distractions. Nothing worked for us until… we started brushing with her!

That was a pivotal moment for me to remember that actions speak louder than words.

At work, this transformed how I stayed hands-on. Instead of just assigning code cleanup tasks to my team, I started picking up small refactoring tasks myself. When we had a critical production issue, I joined the war room and picked up the “low level” tasks like taking notes and helping with debugging alongside everyone else.

The shift in team dynamics was immediate. Engineers started volunteering for the "unglamorous" infrastructure work because they saw me doing it too. Our oncall became more collaborative because people felt safe to admit knowledge gaps when they saw me doing the same.

For ICs looking to build influence: Don't just advocate for better practices – model them. Want better documentation? Start writing great docs. Want more thorough code reviews? Give thoughtful, constructive feedback on others' PRs.

4. Retrospect Often

Business leadership demands we look ahead and set bold visions for the future. But there is also value in looking back often.

We have dozens of pictures of Saanvi climbing structures at all ages. Periodically when these photos show up on our phone, Saanvi will say "wow I'm getting faster/stronger!" Those moments taught me the value of looking back and appreciating how far we have come.

I realized I was terrible at this in my career. I was always focused on the next milestone, the next promotion, the next project. I never paused to acknowledge growth.

Now I do a personal retrospective every few months for myself and also incorporate it into my teaching/coaching sessions. Looking back and seeing how much you’ve grown will immediately motivate you to look ahead and grow some more, especially during the tough times!

5. Hakuna Matata

There are many things Saanvi hated at different times in her life. Diaper changes, ending bath-time, practicing piano, finishing homework… the list was different each year.

As parents it was our job to make her do them anyway. Each time there are protests and tears. But just a little while later, she would forgive us for making her unhappy, forget about the difficult incident and move on to the next fun thing.

Seeing how she chooses to let go and move on has been a powerful lesson and inspiration for me. It's best captured in our favorite Lion King song, "Hakuna Matata" – meaning "no worries."

This completely changed how I handle setbacks at work.

I used to ruminate on failed projects, difficult conversations, or meetings that didn't go well. I'd replay these scenarios for weeks, analyzing what I could have done differently. Saanvi taught me that while reflection is valuable, endless rumination is not.

Now when something goes wrong, I give myself time to feel frustrated, then I do a quick retrospective: What can I learn? What would I do differently? Then I consciously choose to move forward.

I've started teaching this to my students. Many brilliant leaders get stuck in perfectionism loops – afraid to ship code that isn't flawless, afraid to switch roles to pursue that stretch opportunity or afraid to ask for promotions because they feel they are not ready. Learning to "fail fast and move on" has accelerated their growth significantly.

The practice: After a difficult day, ask yourself "What's the one thing I learned?" Then close the mental tab and focus on tomorrow's opportunities.

6. Consistency Builds a Brand

We can't remember when or how it started but at some point on our trips, Saanvi started asking us to take these jumping shots on every trip. Over time she had a collection of all these shots from all our travels that she loves looking at!

Now this jumping shot is her signature brand and she enthusiastically stays true to it.

This is how Saanvi taught me about personal branding.

I realized I was inconsistent in how I showed up professionally. Sometimes I was the "technical deep-dive person," other times the "people manager," occasionally the "strategic thinker." People didn't know what to expect from me or when to bring me into conversations.

Observing Saanvi's consistency with her jumping photos, I did some deep reflections on what defined me as a leader. It has helped me stay authentic in my day-to-day work and also during key moments like all-hands and interviews.

This lesson of consistency building a brand has also helped me grow ChaiTime with planning and purpose. Everything I speak or write — whether it is a newsletter article, a LinkedIn post or a lesson in my course — fits together around this core brand that’s built on my values.

Another lesson I took from this is that just like networking, the right time to build a brand is when you don’t need it. So if you are considering a career move – switching jobs internally or externally anytime in the near future – now is the time to start building your personal brand!

7. Be Macro-Optimistic

I first came across this phrase in Stripe's operating principles, but Saanvi demonstrated this for me long before I found the words to describe it.

Here are Saanvi's photos of learning ballet over the years. She had many hard challenges but always kept at it and believed in the long-term goal. She completed the program all the way up to pre-professional level!

Watching her persist through difficult ballet positions, frustrating recital preparations, and physical challenges taught me about sustained optimism in engineering leadership.

I was micro-pessimistic AND macro-pessimistic. When projects hit roadblocks, I'd assume the worst about timelines, team capabilities, and business outcomes. This negative energy was contagious and became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Saanvi's ballet journey showed me a different way: acknowledge the immediate challenges while maintaining confidence in the long-term outcome.

Now I practice the “Yes, AND” framing regularly:

• "Yes this week is going to be tough, AND we have the right people and plan to succeed."

• "Yes, this bug is frustrating, AND remember how well we handled the last such customer issue."

• "Yes, the feedback from stakeholders is hard to hear, AND it's making our product better."

8. Don't Be Afraid of Change

After finishing the pre-professional level of ballet, Saanvi told us she'd like to stop because she didn't want to get into professional ballet. She liked it recreationally but did not feel she was ready to commit 3-4 days a week of practice.

She also wanted the time to explore other activities like team sports and generally wanted some more weekly free time without any structured activity.

I was impressed at how well she knew her needs, how she was ready to stand up for them and most importantly how brave she was to give up something she had done for years and try something new!

This was also around the time I was considering changing my job after 15 years at Google, and this conversation made her my role model!

Watching an 8-year-old confidently pivot from something she'd invested years in gave me permission to question my own assumptions about career paths. I had been staying in my job at the time partly because of sunk cost fallacy – "I've invested so much time here, I can't leave now."

Saanvi's clarity about her priorities helped me get clear about mine. I wanted to experience building technology at a different scale, work more directly with customers, and take on broader leadership challenges.

For mid-career ICs: Don't let expertise in your current role become a prison. Your skills are more transferable than you think. If you're feeling stagnant, that's data, not failure.

9. Messes Can Always Be Cleaned Up

I hate disorganization and mess. Just like most kids her age, Saanvi periodically made a lot of mess. Sometimes while playing, sometimes while eating, sometimes because she had not learned to be tidy.

My learning from helping her clean up the messes was just that – messes can always be cleaned up!

At work this shifted my perspective completely.

I started taking on more messy problems because I knew they could be better. I stopped being afraid of running towards messy problems. This accelerated my career trajectory a lot!

Running towards problems is also the first principle of Intrapreneurship that I have written a lot about and deeply emphasize in my course.

10. Joie de Vivre

This phrase truly captures the bright and resilient nature that Saanvi personifies! Her ability to always be cheerful in difficult circumstances, her smile even in boring situations, and her enthusiasm even during hard times has been the biggest learning for me.

I get grumpy too easily and lose patience too quickly. One day, when I grow up, I hope to become like Saanvi!

But here's what I've learned about bringing more joy to engineering leadership — Joy isn't about forced positivity or ignoring real problems. It's about finding genuine moments of delight and celebration in the work we do together.

Most importantly, finding joy at work builds your network and helps you collectively weather tough times.

So take the time to connect with colleagues who energize you. Use that break between meetings to go on a small but refreshing walk. And make sure to do at least a little bit of the type of work that energizes you everyday!

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ChaiTime readers who are parents — I’d love to hear from you about a lesson your child has taught you! Drop me an email reply or leave a comment!